I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
