Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
