i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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