I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
