I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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