I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
