Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
This is classic penis vs brain.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
