I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
