I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
