I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
