I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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