When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
