The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
