My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
