I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
