Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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