This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
