im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
