saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
