My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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