Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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