4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
