you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
