I just threw up on my dentist
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
