but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
