In America we eat man semen.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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