I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
