Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
