I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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