Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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