Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The beer is more important than you right now.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Randomize
