I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
