my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
