He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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