3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
