I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
