I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
where are you?
Hypothermia
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
