i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
