Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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