A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
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Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
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That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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