Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
