it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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