Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
