Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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