You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
