Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
