Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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