you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
