There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We got so high we made milksteak
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
