he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Dick very happy bro
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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