Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
i need some magic done to my vagina
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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