i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
