turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
