omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
