I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
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I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
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And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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