were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
