I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
