new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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