I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
