dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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