I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
